Dealing with the Demons that Tease You
How to get through the lack of follow through that can kill your motivation
Welcome to the latest entry in The Captain’s Log. You’re in good company with thousands of fellow entrepreneurs and innovators who have subscribed!
I’m your host, Bob, and my mission here is to share personal, behind-the-scenes stories of ups and downs from my career leading tech startups and corporate innovation.
I write to make you think, smile, and discover a shortcut to success or a trap to avoid.
Here we go…
In last week’s post, I dipped into the Hero’s Journey and the Mentor archetype. There are many more commonly recurring characters that you will run across when proceeding with your new venture. There’s the Bureaucrat who says “no” to anything new, the Ultra-Connector who can’t wait to introduce you to people in their networks, and the Smiling C-Level client who cheers you on but can’t get anyone who works for them to sign a contract.
I’ve collected them all on my journeys. Perhaps the most challenging character you’ll meet, though, is the Promise Breaker. They say they will help us—but they are just telling us what we want to hear…
Alas, these folk are the cause of so much wasted time and energy in our efforts to bring improvement to the world. We must count on others’ assistance to make change happen, yet too often, we encounter people we cannot count on.
But it is all part of human nature and the times that are upon us now. My goal here is to warn you of these people you cannot change and how—by changing your mind—you can keep progressing toward your goals.
Level 1: The Ghost
My friend Rebeca Arbona inspired this post with her positive take on the ghosting we experience in our professional and personal lives. (BTW, she is the person to contact when you need to name your new product or startup).
In paranormal research, there are many types of ghosts. You’ve got your Mists, Orbs, Poltergeists, and Full-Torso Apparitions. In business, there are many categories of ghosting: Ask For A Meeting Yet Won’t Accept, Said They’d Get Back to You and Never Do, and Fail to Show Up at a Meeting They Agreed To. I’m actually writing this during the time when someone ghosted me on a meeting they requested and accepted—a favor they asked of me.
But here, I’d specifically like to talk about when people give us positive interest, promise to move forward, and just disappear. We’re left waiting and waiting, then worrying that we did something wrong. Eventually, we move on with another mental scar added to our collection.
And, boy, ghosting does a number on your day. There’s the back and forth to set it up and the lost value of the missed meeting. After all, there’s a real reason you scheduled the meeting to begin with.
Even a half-hour meeting puts a lock on your day. There’s the half-hour before you are prepping, the half-hour you are sitting there looking at a blank screen and trying to keep a smile on, then the half-hour later when you have to wallow in frustration and WTF? So that 30-minute missed meeting is actually 90 minutes—or about 20% of your day—not only wasted but accompanied by the mental anguish of feeling dumped.
(This is one of the reasons great salespeople are a special breed and worth every penny of their commission checks.)
What’s the Deal?
After experiencing this countless times, I’m mostly used to it. I’ve found it helps once you understand the why behind the behavior. Sure, people are busy and have other priorities. The next email, Slack, text, or Teams message comes to the front of their brains, and you’re forgotten. But, still, they promised…and it’s so important to us. Don’t they know that? We’re fellow human beings, after all!
Here’s my hypothesis: People avoid pain. It is much easier for them to say something positive to you at that moment than be more direct or say “no”—especially when they like you, admire your passion, and when your company or product is out to change the world for the better. It causes them pain to crush your hopes in person.
Feel better yet? Well, keep reading…
Almost no one dares to be direct, especially when they barely know you. Their minds protect them from that pain, so they say “yes” even when “no” is the real answer.
Quick side story…
One Saturday evening in 6th grade, I was riding my bike around the neighborhood with my friends and came upon a group of girls from our class who were having a sleepover at Sheri Carlson’s house. I had a huge crush on Sheri—and I had a crazy, spur-of-the-moment idea to ask her to “go with me” in front of her seven friends. And she said YES! We talked for a few more minutes, then parted with our separate groups. I had never been happier in my life! My crush said YES, and my friends high-fived me all the way home.
The next morning, I biked over to her house to see her again but was intercepted by one of her gang of seven—who told me that Sheri didn’t mean to say yes and was breaking up with me. My friends later piled on the jokes about not even hitting the 24-hour mark. Oh, that was a steep drop from high to low.
Even at that young age, Sheri couldn’t deal with turning me down directly. It was easier to say “Yes”—leaving me with a good impression and no immediate pain for either of us.
How to Deal with It:
First, I think it helps to understand that there is a method behind this seeming madness. People are complex programs, and we often have little control over what we say and do.
Second, you should build better expectations into your business model. Never get too excited about the meeting coming up or the glowing comments of the client or investor during the pitch. It doesn’t mean squat until the contract is signed and the check clears.
A “CRM Funnel” mentality helps, too. It’s just a numbers game if you pull the emotions out. When you assume 50% of “Verbal Yes” translates to a signed deal, then the inevitable ghosting is just math.
Speaking of numbers, you’ve got to keep bugging people. That’s the reason email marketing always has “drips” of messages. Many of our clients only came into the fold after the second or third nudge and sometimes a year or more later.
Another realistic way of looking at their failure to follow through is that whatever you’re pitching is simply not important to them—so it's likely a waste of time anyway. I see this a lot with introductions. The introducer is trying to do you a favor but often not checking to see if the other person is truly interested in meeting with you. That’s why I always check that first before making an intro. It saves everyone the time and pain of a miss.
Finally, the one thing you must not do is take ghosting personally. It’s not about you. It’s them. It’s people, it’s life, and life goes on.
Level 2: Lucy-fer
But sometimes you really can’t help but take the Promise Breaker personally…That’s when you’re dealing with a true demon—The Lucy-fer.
There are a few people in my life that I have known for a long while who have been in positions of power and influence. They are good people. They are passionate about my projects and want—sometimes beg—to help. They will even complain to mutual friends that I’m not coming to them for help.
They promise (or, again, even beg!) to invest money and introduce me to potential clients. In many cases, such an investment or client could get us off the ground or power us to the next level of success.
So, I finally accept the help. I send them the one-pager, I give them a summary blurb they can copy and paste into an email, and I provide a list of people from their networks that would be a dream to meet with.
Yet, without fail, they fail to follow through. And I’m left pulling my fucking hair out once again. It feels even more cruel because I consider them friends, and some have started companies themselves—so they know how important their help could be. I’m left heartbroken all over again. And I didn’t even ask for their help!
What’s the Deal?
This is just another flavor of person you’ll meet on life's journey. Handling them is a rite of passage for those who are going places.
I recently read the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin and finally uncovered a reason behind it. Franklin tells the story of meeting Governor Keith, a leader in Philadelphia who was so impressed by Young Ben that he offered to set him up in his own printing business. The governor sent him off to London to buy the best printing supplies available, promising that there were letters sent ahead that would ensure credit was made available. Franklin used his meager savings to book passage and, after months in transport, arrived in London to find no such letters.
After desperately looking for mutual acquaintances of the governor, Franklin learned from one that “no one, who knew him, had the smallest dependence on him; and he laughed at the notion of the governor’s giving me a letter of credit, having no credit to give.” He writes:
“But what shall we think of a governor’s playing such pitiful tricks, and imposing so grossly on a poor ignorant boy! It was a habit he had acquired. He wish’d to please everybody; and, having little to give, he gave expectations.”
Like Ben Franklin, you, my dear innovator, will attract people who admire your brilliance and passion. Even when they seem ten levels higher than you in the game of life, you give off an aura they want a piece of. They will seek your approval and make promises to impress you and keep your energy close to them.
Franklin scrambled for printing jobs to cover room and board. He built new relationships in London, learned more about printing, and got this education in man's ways. Damn, I wish I read his bio earlier—but I could have just paid more attention to the comics I read every Sunday morning in the newspaper as a child…
How to Deal with It:
This Promise Breaker is Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown. She’s there, tempting him to take the kick, promising not to pull it this time. Charlie Brown knows she will pull it, yet he wants to kick it so badly. And he ends up a blockhead every time, just like me.
Recall that Lucy is a psychiatrist, too. And she’s teaching Charlie Brown a lesson: It’s not her fault for pulling the football. It’s Charlie’s fault—it’s our fault—for thinking that a person can change.
When we know this is the nature of a person, we must stop running up to that damn football.
It helps to accept Franklin’s assessment of such individuals’ nature. They like us and want us to like them. They don’t realize what they are (not) doing. It’s all in their unconscious. And it’s a sign that they have their own demons to deal with—they are living in a hell that likely hurts their ability to form long-term relationships. Feel for them, love them, but stop indulging them and bringing harm upon yourself—even if that means ending your friendship.
You Can Control Your Mind
The above is only truly painful when you’re just getting your startup or project off the ground. It’s like rubbing two sticks together to start a fire. But once the product-market fit fire is burning and some repeat customers return, you won’t be as desperate for that promised intro or pitch meeting that ghosts you. And you’ll look back at these early days and laugh at how painful those times were. Hopefully, you will forgive the folks who forgot about your meeting.
I’d love to write a post that could teach the world not to ghost or tease, but one of the meta-lessons of life is that we can’t change others’ behavior. All we can attempt to change is what thoughts we have in our own heads and how we behave in response. If you’re reading this far down, I think you’re someone who wants to improve—and can.
Try to let go of the anger and depression that will come from being blown off this week. Deploy any one of my reframing tips above. I promise it will help.
Perhaps most importantly, more deeply appreciate and thank the people who do follow through on their word. They truly care about your project, have their shit together, and see the big picture that success is a long-term, relationship-based project of cooperation.
Spend less time chasing ghosts and more time with people of solid character.
How we might work together…
My team and I lead Hearty, a boutique recruiting service that helps tech-forward companies hire proven talent. Our senior team of operators sources and screens, saving you time and money. When you need help, let’s chat.
Looking for better Influencer Marketing and Content Creation? The team from our previous company is back by popular demand with A2 Influence. We’re ramping up now and would love to share more.
Feel free to schedule time together during my Open Hours for questions, feedback, networking, or any other topic!
BONUS: Cool Content of the Week
A little something I found meaningful. You might agree…
Stoics Don’t Scare Easily
Today is Halloween, which means email marketers are compelled to flood our inboxes with related content. Most of it is crap. Hopefully, my post above wasn’t!
Another one that made the grade was today’s Daily Stoic post. It tells a story of how a stoic philosopher handled a ghost in ancient times. In 30 seconds, you’ll smile, think, and note that people haven’t changed much in over 2,000 years.