Choose How to Frame Life
Decide on a new frame of perspective to hack your own emotions for the better
Over the past few years I’ve grown more interested in learning about the “Human Operating System (HOS)” that guides our thinking and actions. Millions of years of evolution went into perfecting our minds and bodies…for surviving what the world looked like millions of years ago. So much of today’s physical and mental suffering comes from this ancient programming and its failure to adjust to the modern era.
But there is a growing body of thought leadership and scientific research that is helping us update our HOS. A few months ago I shared my experience with meditation and how it has been a foundation for reprogramming. Today I’d like to share another hack that has been working for me: Framing.
A powerful example of framing is in the opening paragraph of this very post. I described the human mind as a computer operating system that we are born with. We are familiar with such operating systems from the computers we use; and we know that any new software we install or actions we want to take must fit within the OS. This familiarity helps make a powerful point: We act and react in certain ways because of this “programming.” By recognizing this, we can step back when we are feeling stress, anger or worry and realize that it’s the HOS talking. And with this knowledge we might be able to silence the voices in our heads and come to a good decision.
You’ve Been Framed!
The framing process is something your mind does continually and unconsciously. The mind is constantly monitoring the world around you us making predictions by looking back to historical experiences—i.e. "frames of reference.” It works because thinking (“cognitive load”) is HARD and our HOS finds much more efficiency through shortcuts.
As an example, I remember as a child that my parents would periodically ask me to “come to the bedroom, we need to chat.” That always led to an uncomfortable lecture on something I did wrong, often with a punishment at the end. A decade later, when my boss asked me to “come to my office” I started automatically sweating and thinking, “What could I have done wrong?” That emotional childhood experience carved a frame in my mind, and I was hopeless to control my emotions.
Frames are all around us, perhaps most visible in the thousands of advertising messages we encounter each day. I first saw the power of frames in marketing when watching the team at Febreze in its test market. At launch, the product was marketed in a typical problem/solution framework: When there’s a bad smell on fabric, spray with Frebreze Odor Eliminator. People loved it! They bought in droves and used it whenever the dog had an accident, or on a jacket after returning from a smoky bar (back when smoking happened). The problem? People used about one squirt per month.
But some consumers were using Febreze as part of their weekly cleaning routine—spraying it on carpets and couches as a finishing touch, in part so that when family members walked in the door they would notice a clean home. The team reframed Febreze as a Fabric Refresher, and it became a billion-dollar brand.
Politics presents countless examples of framing, often with clever language that is meant to trigger deep emotions. Take “Pro Life” vs. “Pro Choice” in the abortion debate. Or look at how special interests took the concept of an Estate Tax, which is levied on inheritance, and re-framed it as a “Death Tax”—something that instantly generates feelings of unfairness and government over-reach.
The additional value of understanding Framing is that you get better at recognizing when companies, political parties, and individuals are trying to direct your thinking in their favor by throwing frames at you. The book Pitch Anything tells of a selling and negotiation model that is all about a “battle of frames” with the person on the other side of the table or screen.
The (Re)Framing Hack Process
I’ve found a process that is working for me in overcoming emotions and making better decisions. When something emotionally stressful comes into your life, stop as soon as you can and go through this 3-step process:
Admit You are Broken - This goes back to my opening point. It means that any automatic, unconscious reaction is most likely both incorrect and potentially damaging. When you are angry because someone did something to you, that anger is wasteful, unhealthy, and can lead rash actions that you regret.
Choose a Frame - While our reactions and emotions are part of our broken HOS, the good news is we get to use our conscious minds to make choices about what we do next. It’s kind of fun, actually! You have the power to choose how to feel! If you’re good at this, you’ll find yourself looking forward to the next time you get upset because it’s an opportunity to pick out a shiny new frame. (See what I did there? I framed this as “fun”)
Get on with Life - Once you choose and commit to this new frame, you’ll often find the stress just dissolve away. You might have to remind yourself a few times if the stress comes back, or choose a new frame if it’s a really bad one!
As an example of applying this, let’s say you found out that someone at your workplace was speaking negatively about you in a meeting. Picture that in your head for a minute, maybe recall that happening sometime in your life….Pisses you off, huh?
Let’s apply the model by thinking to yourself:
“I’m angry. I want to confront the person or write an email to other people about them. But that’s my old programming talking, and it’s not going to help me with this.”
“Hmm, is there something I can learn from that person’s actions? Did I do something hurtful to them? Well then maybe they are struggling at work or home and lashed out. We have to work together and I would like to see if they want to talk about things. I think I will invite them to coffee.”
“Great, I put that worry to bed and scheduled a chat. What’s next?”
Some Frame Sets and Examples
I’ve started collecting examples and categories of frames from various sources over the past few months. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Frame Set: Change the Emotion - These are about consciously deciding to choose a different emotion to apply instead of fear, anger, envy, and others.
Turn it to Love - “My kids are driving me crazy…but that’s what kids do and I love them.”
Turn it to Humor - “The line at this store is so long…ha, but it’s not like I’ve got pressing things to rush to on a Sunday!”
Call it a Bad Day - “She’s really angry today…maybe something is happening at home that we don’t know about.”
Frame Set: Change the Perspective - Here we’re trying to get out of the confines of our busy little minds in this one moment and ladder up to a different, bigger picture.
Be Your Own Friend - Ask what a good friend would advise you to do in in your shoes. You’re effectively getting out of your body and viewing the situation from their unemotional perspective.
How Will Others Feel? - Also known as empathy or the Golden Rule. But I prefer the Platinum Rule: “Do unto others as they would like done unto them." In other words, find out what makes people tick and go from there.
No One Will Care in a Year - Fast forward to a year from this moment and think about whether that future you will give a crap about this situation. For inspiration, look back at some of your historic “crises” and whether the mean anything today. Journaling is great for this, as you can look back on how meaningless your past troubles ended up being today.
Minimize Regret - This is the opposite version of future time travel, and usually about screwing up your courage to try something new and risky. Here you’re looking at your future self and lost time. If you think you might regret not doing something, this frame could help motivate you to go for it. It worked well for Jeff Bezos.
What Can I Learn from This? - Can you shift the situation so that it will be a learning opportunity or experience to leverage? A friend’s business recently had a ransomware hack. It was painful for a bit but they worked through it. Now he has a new life experience under his belt and can be better prepared (and help prepare others) for years to come.
That’s Not Me - This one is perfect for changing your bad habits. When you’re tempted to do the bad thing, stop yourself and say, “I’m not someone who does that.” It’s about re-framing yourself for the better. For example, “I’m not someone who has an overflowing inbox” or “I’m not someone who just leaves dirty dishes in the sink for someone else to clean.” (Credit to James Clear’s Atomic Habits)
I Cannot Control This - Why worry about the weather? It will be what it will be. Your favorite sports team lost? Well, you weren’t playing. Shit happens.
Frame Set: Life is Amazing - This is about realizing that we’re lucky to be alive and even the worst parts of living can be a gift.
I Get to Do This - This is my favorite new one and works like a charm. Instead of, “Ugh, I have to drive my daughter to school again” it becomes “I get to drive my daughter to school—it’s quality time together and before long she’ll be driving herself and I’ll miss this.”
Gamify It - This one is great for annoying chores and boring situations. Nike+ was a “game changer” for me years ago as it turned my running routine into fun challenges. Someone even created an alternate reality video game called Chore Wars.
Abundance is Everywhere - Works really well when we feel the nasty pull of envy— or that someone else winning means we feel like we’re losing. Re-frame to the reality is that there is plenty of room for everyone to succeed. Be happy for them and that they showed the rest of us that success is achievable.
Make it a 5-Star Experience - I got this one from @ShaanVP, who got it from his personal trainer, who decided to turn a trip to the DMV into a 5-star experience. Another angle on this is the idea of going into a pitch meeting with a laid back attitude—turning it into a fun conversation with someone, rather than a pressure packed powerpoint.
Every Person is a Special Mineral - Credit to Robert Greene on sharing this one. No matter who you meet and how frustrating they may be, each should be approached as a scientist adding to their knowledge the facets of this special mineral. Even the worst people in history were dragged into this world as newborns running HOS and beset by billions of outside forces they couldn’t control—especially luck. You can’t change them, you might avoid them, and studying them might teach you something.
Warning: This Takes Work
If it was easy, everyone would be doing this already. But it’s hard. It takes the “cognitive load” of thinking and the energy to stop yourself in an act or emotion that’s easier to just go with. But it works just like starting a new habit of exercise or learning a language or instrument—painful and unsuccessful at first, but better every time you get back into it.
With practice you’ll re-program your HOS, and these better frames will come up unconsciously. Big and small challenges are handled with ease. And that annoying voice in your head is much less destructive. You’ll wish you learned this skill years ago, but will be excited to think about how life going forward can be much better.
One final tip is to tell your friends that you’re working on practicing re-framing. By saying it out loud you’re committing further and getting their support. And who knows, maybe you’ll introduce an idea that helps them better get through this thing called “life".