The Reference Check Where I Lied
Moral dilemmas come hard and fast in the business world--what would you do in this one?
Welcome to the latest entry in The Workaround. You’re in good company with thousands of fellow entrepreneurs and innovators who have subscribed!
I’m your host, Bob, and my mission here is to share personal, behind-the-scenes stories of ups and downs from my career leading tech startups and corporate innovation.
I write to make you think, smile, and discover a shortcut to success or a trap to avoid.
Here we go…
Last week, a dear friend, a kick-ass sales leader, asked me to be a reference for a job opportunity. I’ve been fortunate to work with some amazing talent like her over the years who have achieved “reference for life” status in my mind. My conversation with this company’s Chief People Officer was wide-ranging and fun. She got the offer that day and quickly accepted.
Alas, not all reference situations go so well…
I’ve been in a few uncomfortable positions that tested my default preference to be open and honest. With enough years in business, you’re likely to have had some similar situations. But I’ve found most of us don’t share these experiences. There are lots of reasons. Mostly, we worry about the truth getting back to people and are afraid of being judged.
My job here is to get out of my comfort zone and share personal experiences that might help you. Bring on the judgment—but I invite you to consider what you would do first…and I’ve got a short moral test for you below.
The Reference Text
I’m at my work office desk and receive a text from someone I know well. Let’s call him Tom. He was a manager at a previous company of mine. Tom and I haven’t spoken or traded messages for years, but we remain on friendly terms and see each other once in a while at local events. Tom is now a key leader at one of the most promising startups in the city.
His text reads:
“If you don’t mind, I shared your name as a reference. Our startup is about to get an investment from (Huge Company you’ve definitely heard of), and each exec is getting a background check.”
I read the text, put down my phone, and place my head in my hands.
You see, Tom is not on my “lifetime reference list.” He was an outstanding leader for years, but something happened eventually, and it didn’t end well. I had to let him go. It wasn’t personal; we let the water flow under the bridge.
So, in all honesty, I cannot provide a positive reference. But what should I do?
What would YOU do?
Seriously…take a minute and put yourself in my shoes. Think about what’s at stake, the potential impacts, and your personal morals, beliefs, and fears. Once you come up with a decision, I’ll share what I did and why…
Here’s an image to look at while you give this real consideration:
(Got your answer? We use the honor system here…)
The Choice is Made
I begin with my moral baseline. First, I prefer always to be honest; life is much easier for many reasons when this is your starting point. Second, I want to protect innocent employees from pain and suffering. I hate to see people hurt by a manager who fails to do their job with high ethics.
I then weigh some potential options:
Some version of “no” - I could ignore the text and the reference call entirely. I could reply that I’m unable to be a reference for him. Or I could take the call and use the excuse that “HR prefers that I just confirm his employment tenure.” This would allow me to keep my hands clean of the situation.
Do the reference and be honest - I could say that “he was great for us until this lapse, and we terminated him.” This would be closest to my ethical guidelines. And it might prevent (Huge company) from making a bad investment or cause other internal issues.
Give a positive reference - Take the call and answer the questions as close to the truth as possible without sharing anything negative. This could be somewhere from direct lying (“Yes, I’d hire him again”) and massaging the truth (“He did great things with us.”)
This isn’t the first or last time I got a reference request from someone I didn’t feel comfortable providing. In those situations, I similarly did a lot of twisting and turning, then eventually landed on declining to be a reference. But it’s hard to be direct when the stakes are high for someone trying to land a job. They are bound to take it personally—and maybe make you an enemy for life.
But there is a key difference here: The entire company is “interviewing.” My thoughts go to how dozens of its employees have worked so hard for so long to get their startup off the ground. This investment will bring fuel to keep building, a strategic growth partner, and a PR bump that could help them win further deals.
So, I think about how my negative (or avoided) reference might hurt the entire company’s prospects. I decide to take the call from the company and am not entirely truthful in answering their questions. The company got the money, and it brought a lot of good things they hoped for.
Today, the startup is still around and still promising. Tom no longer works there—I don’t know why.
I don’t have second thoughts. I made what I thought was the right decision for the greater good at the time.
The small lesson here—which should be obvious to every hiring manager by now—is that references provided by a job candidate will be positive. Take them with a grain of salt, or, like the HR leader I spoke with last week, use them to get tips on working with the employee.
Use your network to backchannel people you know in common for disaster checks. It’s sad how many poor hiring decisions are made because this simple step is overlooked. I have helped and been helped by so many people in this way. Last month, someone saved me from working with a company that had been sued multiple times for unpaid bills.
But the bigger lesson is that we’ve got to share moral dilemmas like this with each other more often. Such situations are a normal part of business+life, and by asking for advice and sharing it, we can learn from others’ pains and successes. You don’t have to write a Sustack post to +7,000 people like me—just keep an inner circle of people you can trust with the toughest questions, and don’t be afraid to discuss your ethical quandaries with them.
But writing widely like this offers a chance to help people at scale, which is pretty special.
Want to get in on the fun? Drop a comment on what you would do on this post—or just hit reply and email me your decision. Maybe there’s a better solution I or others could use next time.
How we might work together…
My team and I lead Hearty, a boutique recruiting service that helps tech-forward companies hire proven talent. Our senior team of operators sources and screens, saving you time and money. When you need help, let’s chat.
Need help with a software project? Perhaps a product MVP, a project that requires outside help, or a fractional CTO for key strategic decisions? Our team at Shipwright Studio has worked together to build multiple successful startups, and we love helping leaders turn their dreams into reality. We're the team our clients trust for software built to last.
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Feel free to schedule time together during my Open Hours for questions, feedback, networking, or any other topic!
BONUS: Cool Content of the Week
A little something I found meaningful. You might agree…
Niche news on YouTube
Nearly six months ago, I opted out of the daily news. I haven’t opened a news app or clicked a headline. And it’s been a big upgrade to my personal operating system. I just got tired of endless clickbait and manufactured fear. I’m still informed, but I shifted to long-form analysis from more thoughtful sources. In searching for replacements that fill my need to stay aware of what’s happening, I’ve discovered a wealth of information on YouTube.
Sure, YouTube has its share of fearmongering and conspiracy theories, but it also allows for news coverage that doesn’t fit into mainstream shock and horror shows. For example, thanks to Geography by Geoff, I learned last week that the U.S. is now 400,000 square miles larger than it was in December 2023. You’ll have to click the link below to learn more (did I just bait you to click?)
I guarantee you wouldn’t have found this by doomscrolling CNN every day. But if you’re a geography geek like me, you can find breaking news sources that inform and teach—without driving you nuts. I’ve read that this political news cycle is not seeing the normal bump in viewers. Could we all be worn out by what the news has become? Upstart, niche creators like Geoff could show us a more positive path forward.
So there's a couple red flags here...
The first is that Tom let you know retroactively he had oinked out your name to a company that's going to do a background check on him. That's not smart. Nobody should *tell* you you're a reference for them. They should politely *ask*.
Asking would have given Tom the opportunity to touch base with you first, to find out whether you're comfortable providing that reference and to get some insight into what you might say when prompted to answer certain questions. Tom has an idea of what they're going to ask. He should cover that with you first and ask if you're comfortable with it.
The only people you should be a blanket reference for are the people you described earlier in your piece - the people with whom you've had terrific experience and who have asked you to do so.
The second red flag is this: Even if you're on the Lifetime Reference List (which Tom isn't), you need to be proactive and let your reference know to expect a call, and discuss the background behind the request for a reference. Tom tried to do that here, but he didn't give you the opportunity to tell him that since things didn't end well, there are some things you might say that are not all that flattering. That's on him, though. If it were me, I'd call him to discuss. Forget the text/email thread. Just pick up the phone.
Third red flag: What is a background check in this context? What are the investors from Huge Company looking for? What do they hope to achieve with these background checks? Tom should be telling you this, because it's not a run-of-the-mill reference check for a position with a new company. So, what is it?
If it were me, I would have confirmed his employment and done nothing else. It sounds like Huge Company could take something you said and use it as a reason to pull a proposed investment. I wouldn't want that kind of liability on my hands.
I can certainly understand the desire to want to do right by Tom, but he has put you in a not-so-great position and I would tell him that.